Tuesday, March 25, 2014

The New Cast of Disney Characters

Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls...

Welcome to Disneyland - the self-proclaimed "Happiest Place on Earth"! Yeah... I don't necessarily agree with that description.  I mean, it's fun and entertaining and all but what would Walt think about the current state of the park and its visitors?  Having just spent a "vacation" there, I noticed an interesting shift in the traditional park-goers.

Meet the New Cast of Disney Characters!

  • The Gropers - These couples are so in love they can't stop gazing into each other's eyes. God forbid they lose physical contact, or they might wither away and die.  We had the pleasure of standing in line behind The Gropers for an hour while they kept rubbing up against each other.  My son (who abhors any kind of kissing) pulled his hood over his face to block out the offensive show of emotion.  Come on people!  It's Disneyland for Christ's sake! Please notice that none of the gift shops sell Mickey-themed condoms. 
  • The Oblivious -  Apparently the Magic Kingdom distracts reasonable people and they can no longer focus on their surroundings. They've been Disney-fied.  They don't notice their kid staring like a psychopath for 10 minutes before viciously hitting me with a custom-made lightsaber.  Or their other kids swinging from rope dividers that were never meant to be used as a pre-ride form of entertainment.  Those sweet little maniacs constantly bump people on either side before the post gives way, sending them on a quick ride to the hard cement.  Oh, that's too bad.  The Oblivious are the ones who walk against the traffic flow, stop suddenly in the middle of a walkway, and try to step in line right before a ride, not realizing that said line stretches through 2 different lands and you've been waiting half a day to get where you are.
  • The Heavy Rollers - We have become the society pictured in Wall-E.  Half of the patrons are too fat to walk around Disneyland nowadays and must drive themselves in their giant Jazzy Wheelchairs, bumping against everyone who has the nerve to walk anywhere near them.  One obese man was gesturing with his corn dog in one hand, holding cotton candy in the other, and steering with his belly.  
  • The Loaded Stroller Rollers - I'm not sure if kids ever ride in the strollers or if these are just traveling lockers.  They are loaded down with gear as if they're heading to the Iditarod Trail. Better strap in that 5-gallon bucket of popcorn!  I hate strollers.  I used them, sure, but they were the bane of my existence when I had little kids.  Now that I have independent walkers, I loathe them.  Damn ankle biters!  They take up too much room, clog the walkways, and roll out of control when The Oblivious are in charge.  And don't even get me started on the double-wides!  Who brings those to an amusement park?!?!  They should be banned.  Wouldn't it be great if Disneyland had a "No Stroller Day"?  I might pay extra for that.
This is Dante's 7th Circle of Hell
photo: "Stroller Parking" - Joe Shlabotnik
  • The Time Travelers - These people must have been frozen in Carbonite and recently released.  Where do they come from?  Wearing fanny packs and talking on walkie-talkies. Seriously?  Not an annoyance, just an interesting anomaly.
  • The Anti-fashionistas - Any time you have large crowds you have some great people-watching opportunities and the various fashions are always amusing.  Unfortunately for me this spring marks the reemergence of "Daisy Dukes".  First of all, let me just say that only about 5% of the general population can get away with wearing these short shorts.  Roughly 80% of the females at the park were wearing these, so you know the odds were not good that they looked cute.  Holy Thigh Rub Batman!  I was chafing just walking near them.  And sadly, some things cannot be unseen.  Even with bleach to the eyeballs.
  • The Freaky Fanatics - I have never seen so many people sporting Mickey and Minnie ears of all types and styles as I did on this trip.  Headbands, baseball caps, big fuzzy hats, you name it.  Then you have the people with pins to trade!  What?   Lanyards and vests adorned with things that can potentially poke the hell out of you on roller coasters: best idea ever!  There's all the adult freaks who want to hang out with costumed characters while impatient little ones wait in the blazing sun for an overpriced autograph.  But here's where it goes completely wrong: adults with Disney-themed tattoos.  I've seen the full-back Tinkerbell masterpiece, but there's a lady with multiple piercings and the castle tattooed on her foot.  Or how about the guy with Mickey's silhouette on his neck.  Did Mickey make you his bitch in jail?  I clearly don't get it.  
I have a whole new appreciation for the cast members who have to endure all of these characters.  They work tirelessly to make the park a clean, beautiful, enjoyable place.  While we were waiting for fireworks I sat on the Main Street road.  Not one speck of gum, dirt, or garbage to be found.  Seriously, I think it's cleaner than my own kitchen counters.  I might need my own personal cast member.  

I should also make a recording that plays as my kids leave the house.  It's always good to have a safety reminder!

Para su seguridad mantenga sus manos, brazos, 
pies y piernas dentro del vehiculo
 y cuiden a sus ninos por favor. 

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  1. Love it! Especially the jazzy section! I think every trailer park dweller from the sate of Arizona brought their fattest relative and put them in a jazzy so they could get in line to the rides before everyone else! How can the park be enjoyable if you are too fat to even walk through it?

  2. I love how you describe each. :)

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