The New Cast of Disney Characters

Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls...

Welcome to Disneyland - the self-proclaimed "Happiest Place on Earth"! Yeah... I don't necessarily agree with that description.  I mean, it's fun and entertaining and all but what would Walt think about the current state of the park and its visitors?  Having just spent a "vacation" there, I noticed an interesting shift in the traditional park-goers.

Meet the New Cast of Disney Characters!

• The Gropers - These couples are so in love they can't stop gazing into each other's eyes. God forbid they lose physical contact, or they might wither away and die.  We had the pleasure of standing in line behind The Gropers for an hour while they kept rubbing up against each other.  My son (who abhors any kind of kissing) pulled his hood over his face to block out the offensive show of emotion.  Come on people!  It's Disneyland for Christ's sake! Please notice that none of the gift shops sell Mickey-themed condoms. 

• The Oblivious -  Apparently the Magic Kingdom distracts reasonable people and they can no longer focus on their surroundings. They've been Disney-fied.  They don't notice their kid staring like a psychopath for 10 minutes before viciously hitting me with a custom-made lightsaber.  Or their other kids swinging from rope dividers that were never meant to be used as a pre-ride form of entertainment.  Those sweet little maniacs constantly bump people on either side before the post gives way, sending them on a quick ride to the hard cement.  Oh, that's too bad.  The Oblivious are the ones who walk against the traffic flow, stop suddenly in the middle of a walkway, and try to step in line right before a ride, not realizing that said line stretches through 2 different lands and you've been waiting half a day to get where you are.

• The Heavy Rollers - We have become the society pictured in Wall-E.  Half of the patrons are too fat to walk around Disneyland nowadays and must drive themselves in their giant Jazzy Wheelchairs, bumping against everyone who has the nerve to walk anywhere near them.  One obese man was gesturing with his corn dog in one hand, holding cotton candy in the other, and steering with his belly.  

• The Loaded Stroller Rollers - I'm not sure if kids ever ride in the strollers or if these are just traveling lockers.  They are loaded down with gear as if they're heading to the Iditarod Trail. Better strap in that 5-gallon bucket of popcorn!  I hate strollers.  I used them, sure, but they were the bane of my existence when I had little kids.  Now that I have independent walkers, I loathe them.  Damn ankle biters!  They take up too much room, clog the walkways, and roll out of control when The Oblivious are in charge.  And don't even get me started on the double-wides!  Who brings those to an amusement park?!?!  They should be banned.  Wouldn't it be great if Disneyland had a "No Stroller Day"?  I might pay extra for that.

This is Dante's 7th Circle of Hell
photo: "Stroller Parking" - Joe Shlabotnik

• The Time Travelers - These people must have been frozen in Carbonite and recently released.  Where do they come from?  Wearing fanny packs and talking on walkie-talkies. Seriously?  Not an annoyance, just an interesting anomaly.

• The Anti-fashionistas - Any time you have large crowds you have some great people-watching opportunities and the various fashions are always amusing.  Unfortunately for me this spring marks the reemergence of "Daisy Dukes".  First of all, let me just say that only about 5% of the general population can get away with wearing these short shorts.  Roughly 80% of the females at the park were wearing these, so you know the odds were not good that they looked cute.  Holy Thigh Rub Batman!  I was chafing just walking near them.  And sadly, some things cannot be unseen.  Even with bleach to the eyeballs.

• The Freaky Fanatics - I have never seen so many people sporting Mickey and Minnie ears of all types and styles as I did on this trip.  Headbands, baseball caps, big fuzzy hats, you name it.  Then you have the people with pins to trade!  What?   Lanyards and vests adorned with things that can potentially poke the hell out of you on roller coasters: best idea ever!  There's all the adult freaks who want to hang out with costumed characters while impatient little ones wait in the blazing sun for an overpriced autograph.  But here's where it goes completely wrong: adults with Disney-themed tattoos.  I've seen the full-back Tinkerbell masterpiece, but there's a lady with multiple piercings and the castle tattooed on her foot.  Or how about the guy with Mickey's silhouette on his neck.  Did Mickey make you his bitch in jail?  I clearly don't get it.  

I have a whole new appreciation for the cast members who have to endure all of these characters.  They work tirelessly to make the park a clean, beautiful, enjoyable place.  While we were waiting for fireworks I sat on the Main Street road.  Not one speck of gum, dirt, or garbage to be found.  Seriously, I think it's cleaner than my own kitchen counters.  I might need my own personal cast member.  

I should also make a recording that plays as my kids leave the house.  It's always good to have a safety reminder!

Para su seguridad mantenga sus manos, brazos, 
pies y piernas dentro del vehiculo

 y cuiden a sus ninos por favor. 

Sister Wives at the Lake

My older son, Zack, was away at Boy Scout Camp this past week.  He returned today - filthier even than the previous year.  Logan was happy to have him home, but thankful for some time spent with friends while his brother was away.

Cut to a week ago, after all the area troops had packed up and driven off.  After a few moms had their sobbing breakdowns while concerned onlookers debated whether coffee, alcohol, or sedation was the appropriate antidote.  My friends and I tossed out the idea that we should take the younger kids on a mini vacation and wouldn't that be fun?  In true summer fashion we let the idea percolate for a few days before then frantically contacting anyone who owned a suitable rental house on a lake and begging for the opportunity to throw money at them so we could make this dream a reality.  Thankfully we found a large house and confirmed all the details - 22 hours before arrival.

California has many beautiful recreation areas near oceans, lakes, and rivers.  Our last-minute plans meant that we didn't do too much research regarding water activities that each area could offer.  We envisioned sitting on a deck, sipping cold beverages while the kids jumped off a dock into crystal blue waters.  Imagine our surprise when we first saw the lake from shore.  The very name of the lake would suggest sparkly, refreshing water, but it was "clear" that summertime algae reigned supreme.  Our neighbors had angry-looking pit bulls and we couldn't let the kids go out front for fear of a contact high.  In fact, much of the area had experienced quite a hit during the economic downturn.  Half of the businesses were closed and the rest specialized in tattoos, liquor, or smoking accessories - or all three.  I bet you could even get a tattoo of your favorite brand of alcohol or your best glass pipe if you wanted to.  I'm guessing that the dentists in the area moved on first.  You might be hard-pressed to find anyone with a full set of teeth.

The owner met us at the house to go over logistics.  We brought up our concern regarding the amount of algae and he asked if we had a boat.  Nope, must have forgotten to pack the boat.  In talking with friends since our return, the first thing they tell me is "Oh, yeah, that lake's really known for boating activities, not swimming. You need to go out a ways for nice water."  Apparently everyone in the state knew this except myself and my two mom friends.  The owner then suggested that the four children could "swim" in the 3-person hot tub which was unheated.  He also explained that there was great fishing right off the dock.  Carp on one side, catfish on the other (how the fish know which side to stay on is beyond me).  He said we could simply use corn kernels on our hooks to catch 7-20 pound fish which none of the moms wanted to even handle, let alone gut, clean, and cook.  Thankfully the "fishing" was really more of an impatient "casting" activity that kept us all busy.  The kids swung their poles around with abandon and the moms did extreme Pilates moves trying to avoid carelessly flung hooks - think The Matrix, but with  barbed corn kernels flying in not-so-slow-motion through the air, barely skimming our eyebrows.

This is not to say that we didn't come close to reeling in a big one!  We spotted a catfish, swimming toward us.  All the fishing lines instantly converged in that one area and the dumb fish slowly bobbed toward the surface, mouth open.  Not floating, but not really swimming.  In their zeal to catch anything the kids kept dropping their lines right next to the oblivious (dying?) fish.  It neared the dock and again bobbed upright with its mouth open.  This had now become that annoying carnival game where you just have to drop the hook into the fish's mouth to win a fabulous prize.  Still, we could not do it.  I'm sure the fish was thinking "Why are these people hitting me in the face with corn?  And what is it with this house and corn all the time?"

Lest you think this trip was a bust, I can assure you it was a memorable adventure.  I laughed quite a bit, hanging out with my friends and the kids.  We even spent a day at a beautiful, clear, little lake just up the road a bit.  The kids swam and splashed for hours.  The kids loved this trip, played well together, and kept themselves occupied.  The moms drank some tasty beverages and reveled in the knowledge that there were two other capable adults willing to play Mom to any kid that needed something.  Splinter removal?  Sure, see that lady over there.  You need food?  Lemme fix something for you.  You broke something?  OK, I will super glue it while your mom takes a nap. You want me to pull that clump of slimy seaweed off your fishing hook?  Uh, go ask her instead.  I can definitely see the appeal of having Sister-Wives.  Shoot, it's so easy!  It takes a village... and some whipped cream vodka, but we were so on it!

In true form, minutes before leaving we noticed my child was crying out on the dock, clutching his injured hand.  I went running out to help and came upon his friend heading back up toward the house.  I asked, "What happened?" to which he answered, "I have no idea!" and continued on.  The next mom also asked this boy what was going on and he said, "I told him not to do it" and kept right on past everyone.  Logan had pinched his finger in a gear meant to raise and lower boats into the lake, not children - go figure.  After an ice pack and some simple first aid we were ready to go.  In the car, I started having some misgivings.  The children had splashed out almost half of the jacuzzi water during their "swimming" sessions and the only hose I could find to replenish it drew water from the lake.  It looked clear enough but the swampy odor gave away its origin.  I told my friend, "I may have made a mistake using lake water for the hot tub".  She answered, "I'd like to go on record saying I told you not to do it!"  Ah, gotta love my supportive, mature Sister Wives!

Summer Vacation - Don't You Dare Tell Me You're Bored!

We have finally arrived.  Calendars bear large "X" marks over the past 40 days or so.  Backpacks sit idly by the front door, still holding onto their large stash of end-of-the-year paperwork and quizzes that nobody cared about, boys and parents included.  (Thankfully, I've remembered to remove the lunch bags and dispose of the forgotten half-eaten sandwiches that always morph into a gray kittenish creature by the end of vacation).  Yes, summer is here!

Now what?

I mean, what to do with the kids?  It's a balancing act.  You want to plan just enough activities throughout the summer to keep them from uttering the dreaded "B" word, but they need downtime and days where they can just hang out and enjoy their freedom.  My husband proclaimed that they were to be signed up for a myriad of different camps and activities, and that they would have limited time with any electronic device, and that they needed to start eating healthier.  Of course, he's the one who is at work during the day and I'm the one who has to shuttle them around to said activities and break up fights when they've exhausted their small reserves of brotherly love after being forced to interact together.

I'm all for a leisurely vacation.  I look back on my childhood summers and the best part was the lounging around, not a care in the world.  Mid high school:  I had no job and my days were spent laying out by our pool.  My biggest concern was how much Sun-In to apply to my hair before venturing out.  I can still smell the sweet pina-colada scent that emanated from my SPF 2 lotion.  I had a supply of Sweet Valley High books close at hand.  When the temperatures got too hot I would retreat inside to the cool comfort of my house to watch videos and Remote Control on MTV.  Ah, remember when you could actually watch videos on MTV?  I would set up a blank tape on our VCR so that I could record my favorite ones.  This meant that you had to jump up as soon as the VJ stopped yammering and press record when you spotted the huge hair of your favorite band members.  Thus, my videos always started midway through the first line, but it didn't matter.  I got plenty of Bon Jovi that summer.  Nights were spent at the county fair, eating unhealthy foods and tempting fate on spinny rides that threatened to expel all of the previously tasty treats.  I still cannot look at the "Zipper" without feeling nauseated, but that ride operator really should've cut us off after our third go-round.

So in between the lacrosse, scouts, tennis, bowling, and junior lifeguard camps and activites I will give my boys the opportunity to seek out their own summer memories.  What are they going to look back and remember from the Summer of '13?  Who knows.  But I'm pretty sure it won't involve any peeling skin or orange hair.